20 Sided Stories

MARVEL: Survivors of The Snap

Episode 4 - Catalina Weed Mixer

Air Date: March 19, 2020

[Podcast Intro music plays throughout.]

Sage G.C.: 20 Sided Stories has absolutely no affiliation with Marvel Studios, Marvel Entertainment, The Walt Disney Company, or any other associates or official canon.

Travis Reaves: This is a fan-made parody piece created in fair use, and all mentioned names, products, trademarks, and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

Jessica Dahlgren: The bulk of what you're about to hear was recorded live by improvisers who love the MCU, and we're so excited for you to join us on this superpowered adventure.

[Intro crescendos.]

Travis: Thank you.

Jessica: And welcome.

Sage: To 20 Sided Stories.

[Intro fades out.]

Prologue

[Radio switches on.]

Woman: You're listening to…

[Rock music introduction.]

Man: 616 Power!

Bart: Good afternoon, Los Angeles. This is The News. Our contacts over at the Castle have reported that they’ve been attacked by a...Fort person, as we’ve been calling these supers.

Uh, my main question is how many innocent people need to get hurt in what is, effectively, you know, terrorist attacks—that’s what these are. They’re effectively terrorist attacks—and they’re only going to accelerate and advance as these go on. They’re going to be matching, both sides. This is just gonna set off a total escalation.

How many people have to get hurt in this, that are innocent, before somebody, like an elected official or people that we put in charge, step in to try to mitigate this? That’s the only thing I’m asking for. You know, the— All I’m asking for is a little accountability from somebody, but it doesn’t look like I’m gonna get it. This is the Sokovia Accords all over again, only this time we don’t have S.H.I.E.L.D. to come and back us up. We’re dealing with this on our own. So that’s just my opinion.

There’s a lot more opinions, ’cause there’s a lot less news, because, oh yeah. Here’s a reminder for everybody. Half the people in the world are gone! So we’ve only got about half as much news. So havin’ a little bit of a hard time holdin’ back how I feel. It’s been a...been a rough day for me today. Been a rough day.

Anyway, now, we’ve got trained dogs barking in unison. Stay tuned.

[Suspenseful music. A door opens and clicks shut. Lily sighs.]

Masha: [groans] Okay, well I’m gonna go to sleep.

Lily: I wanna go back out and look for her.

Masha: It’s 3AM, Lily. We’re not going outside.

Lily: This is the first lead we’ve had in a very long time.

Masha: Okay, it could be another jacket. Uh, she got it from Target, so it’s not like…I mean—

Lily: Here.

Masha: Are you su—

Lily: Just, you- you try to smell. Just really, really, inhale. Just think about your sister for a second and tell me if this reminds you of her.

Masha: [sniffs] It smells like clothes to me. I don’t- I can’t…

Lily: I need to go out and continue to look for her.

Masha: Listen, there’s just a lot of thi—

Lily: Are you going to help me?

Masha: Sure. But can we do it later?

Sage: And then, as Lily clutches this sweater…

[A loud bang. An echoing creak draws out.]

She’s back.

[Lily and Masha’s voices become muffled. Lily groans.]

In a dark place. Looking, searching, just a portal. Green. Consuming all her senses.

Lily: M-Masha?

Masha: What is it, Lily?

Sage: And then…

[A vibrating whoosh, and sound returns to normal.]

She’s back in the house.

[Lily groans. Sound steadily increases to a deafening pitch.]

And everything is very loud.

[A high-pitched ring is heard continuously. Lily groans and frantically shushes everything.]

It’s like she’s wearing hearing aids.

Lily: Oh my god.

Masha: What’s going on?

Lily: Shhh! [whispers] Please, please.

Masha: Lily, what’s happening?

Lily: [whispers] Please, it’s so loud. You’re so loud right now.

Masha: [whispers] What?

[High-pitched ringing fades out. Lily continues whispering]

Lily: I can hear.

Masha: What’s going on?

Lily: I can hear everything.

Sage: And then, Lily hears a little click. It clicks again. And again.

Lily: What is that?

Sage: And it leads her…

Masha: Lily, where are you going?

Lily: Shh shh shh.

Sage: …to Masha’s chest.

[Clothes rustle as Lily presses her ear to Masha’s chest.]

Masha: Lily, what the…what are you doing?

Lily: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Shhh.

Masha: Um…

[Gentle clicking is heard.]

Lily: It’s- it’s coming from inside.

Masha: Is it my heartbeat

Lily: No, no, no. This is like- it’s like- it’s like a clock.

Masha: Okay, that’s really… We need to go to sleep. I think this has just been a really rough night.

Lily: No, no, no. Shhh!

[Lily takes a step back.]

I don’t know what just happened. I can hear really good, right now.

Masha: Okay, well, I don’t think so, because you’re saying that my chest sounds like a clock. I am a human being. I don’t have a clock inside me.

Lily: But—

Masha: Maybe you’re hearing—

Lily: Masha, no. Think about it. Think about it. It’s something mechanical inside you, like- what if—

Masha: Okay, you know what? I’m losing track of everything I need to go to sleep.

Lily: Can you please keep your voice down?

Masha: I’m sorry. Let’s just go to sleep. We can sleep in Mom and Dad’s room, okay?

Lily: Okay.

Masha: I can make you tea. Do you want tea?

[Beat.]

Lily: Yeah.

Masha: Okay.

[Episode Intro music.]

Episode 4 - Catalina Weed Mixer

[Rock music.]

Narrator: After pulling a destructive prank on the Castle, three reject heroes, Masha, Lily, and Eric, have begun making their mark in the Fort. Picking up jobs in hope of improving life for all during the Snap. The search for Masha and Lily’s sister, Rose, as well as the search for Eric’s trench coat assassin continues.

They found Rose’s coat at the Castle, but otherwise, no new leads.

It’s currently sundown on the Griffith balcony. Looking out to the half-as-smoggy skyline of Los Angeles.

[Muffled rock music is heard in the background. Crickets chirp.]

[Masha sighs.]

Eric: All I’m saying is, if I did touch you just even, like, on the shoulder, then I could help figure out, like, if you’re looking for Rose, either with your new fuckin’ crazy hearing or your nose, like…

Lily: If you touch me, just even on the shoulder, we can abs— Fuck! No, I’d have to touch you to fight you.

[Eric laughs.]

I need [sighs] like a melee weapon.

Eric: You couldn’t even— You don’t understand. I was a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent! I can fight y— I’ve kill- I’ve killed people in front of you!

Masha: Yeah, but you’ve been lying to us so much!

Lily: Judo is fighting for weak people.

Masha: What about—

Eric: That’s fo— Wait, what?

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Masha: You never talk about your personal life with us, Eric.

Eric: I opened the jar! I opened it! We can put it to bed. You gave me the jar, you said can you open it? Sure. I hit it with a knife, but I got it open!

Masha: Eric. Eric.

Eric: [sighs] Sorry…

[Masha clears her throat.]

Lily: Oh, did you, uh, find the guy we talked about?

Eric: Oh, for Rose.

Lily: Yeah.

Eric: Um, not yet.

Lily: [quiet] Fuck.

Eric: The problem is, with this power, when half of everyone disappeared, there went most of my channels. So I’m having to reestablish contact, and it’s been a while. I’m kinda rusty with intel.

Also, every six seconds, some figure in a trench coat tries to end my fucking life. Which is why I’m here in the first place. And is honestly why I’m having issues letting people in. Because when you’re an asset and not a human, your life is as valuable as you are useful, and, uh, your death is as valuable as you are useful against that person.

Lily: Eric.

Eric: Huh?

Lily: Are…are we wearing trench coats?

[Clothes rustle as Lily holds out a calming hand. More clothes rustle as Eric hesitantly reaches for her hand.]

Eric: You’re not—

Masha: Are you guys about to—

Lily: Um, no. Don’t touch me. This is just—

[Clothes rustle as Lily snatches her arm away.]

Eric: Then don’t put your fucking hand out like you’re gonna—

Masha: Don’t touch my sister! Ew!

Eric: I’m not gonna…that- that’s not…[sighs]

Masha: Okay, I’m sorry.

Lily: I’m saving myself for one man and one man alone.

Masha: Oh my god, Lily.

Eric: Fucking—

[Feet scuff as someone walks up.]

Dan: Hey, guys.

Sage: Daniel Daniels—

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

—otherwise known as Agent Fragrant comes in. [chuckles]

Masha: Get out of here! You have the worst timing!

[Lily inhales deeply and sighs happily.]

Eric: That was honestly pretty great timing.

Masha: [scoffs] Not in my opinion.

Dan: What are you talking about? I was just hanging out here.

Lily: Hello.

Eric: Hey, Dan.

Dan: Oh, Lily’s here [sighs]. [resigned] Hi, Lily.

Lily: [whispers] Hi Dan.

Eric: Hey, what’s up?

Dan: Eric, is this- is she…

Eric: She’s a teenage girl, man. What d’you want me to do?

Lily: Oh shut up!

Masha: Lily, you’re coming off a little too, [whispers] you know, strong.

Eric: Desperate.

Masha: No. Okay, I wouldn’t say that. Uh, you know, just [quiet] play it cool.

Eric: What’s up, man?

Dan: Oh, just saw you guys hangin’ out.

Eric: Oh. Right on.

Dan: Uh, yeah.

Lily: You wanna hang out with us? What? [giggles]

Dan: Yeah, there’s no jobs right now. So, I’m just chillin’.

Eric: Yeah I know. Last week they had us go help a guy move.

[Dan chuckles.]

It’s like, did everybody stop doing crime? I don’t get it.

Dan: Well, you guys have been doin’ a good job! I mean, the three of you have, like, I mean not quite to Henry-level, like, no one’s ever gonna be as good as him.

Eric: [quiet] Fuckin’ Henry.

Dan: But the three of you, I’d say, are prob’ly doin’ the best out of everybody.

Masha: Oh, there’s Henry. Hey, Henry!

Dan: Hey, you wanna come hang out?

[Footsteps scuff in the distance.]

Henry: [distant] Sorry guys, Roach gave me, like, a huge job. It’s very difficult and I am swamped.

[Footsteps fade.]

Dan: Damn. Prob’ly doin’ recon work at the Castle. Lucky bastard.

Lily: Hey, has he touched you?

Dan: Who? Eric?

[Beat.]

Eric: Yeah, but I don’t- I don’t- I don’t spy on my friends.

Dan: Yeah, we- yeah we- we talked about- we have boundaries. He knows not to—

Lily: H-how d’you know he’s not watching you?

Eric: ’Cause I’m not a fucking sociopath!

Dan: [amused] Yeah, like, we’ve been friends for, like, twelve years. Since high school. We’ve been S.H.I.E.L.D. agents together. Like, Eric wouldn’t do- that’s fucked up. I mean, he’s messed—

Eric: Stop looking like you know.

Masha: I wasn’t—

Eric: You don’t know.

Masha: Lily’s very wise for her age.

Lily: Thank you.

Masha: You’re welcome.

Lily: That’s what it said on all my report cards.

Eric: Yeah, she reads at a twelfth-grade level. We’re all very proud.

Lily: Thanks!

Dan: Wait a minute, Eric. Couldn’t you be spying, too? Like, did you touch any Castletons while you were over there?

Eric: Oh. Yeah, no, I got nothin’. We were in and we were out.

[Dan grunts.]

I got a question about that.

Dan: Mm-hmm?

Eric: You know all that Stark tech they have?

Dan: Yeah.

Eric: Are we sure that works? ’Cause that— She had us at repulser point for five minutes, and did not—

Dan: This is where we’re crossin’ the streams. My job with S.H.I.E.L.D. gets a little dicey and I don’t—

Eric: What d’you mean your job? It’s- wha- I—

Dan: Well, it was your job. Your ex-job, my current job.

Eric: So?

Dan: So…

Eric: It’s basically like I still work there.

Lily: And, I mean technically, since you touched him…

Eric: I don’t do that!

Dan: He doesn’t do that. ’Kay? Eric’s sketchy, but he’s not that sketchy. Which, you’re makin’ sure no trench coats are comin’ in here, right?

Eric: Doin’ my best, but it seems I’m the fucking trench coat magnet. And of all people, me, should be able to figure out anything at any time, I have no—

Dan: They keep comin’ in to, like— Every time we try to watch a movie. We were watchin’, what was it, uh—

Eric: Big Trouble in Little China.

Dan: Yeah.

Eric: Your favorite movie.

Dan: My [chuckles] I have childhood memories with that movie.

Lily: I love that movie!

Eric: You don’t- you don’t know what that movie is.

Dan: [amused] You don’t even know what that is. You weren’t even alive, I don’t think, when that was shot. [chuckles]

Eric: Well, you can watch movies even if you weren’t alive when they were made.

Dan: [sighs] Look, I’m sorry. Lily, I’m not tryin’ to be rude or anything, it’s just, you know. No means no. That’s all. That’s all. No means no.

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Masha: Well if anybody cares, I’m doing well today.

[Sage chuckles.]

Uh, hi everyone!

Dan: Hi, Masha.

Lily: Hey.

[Beat.]

Masha: That’s all I have to say. I don’t…

Eric: Great.

Lily: No, we’re glad, though.

Masha: Thanks.

Eric: See, I got nothin’ on them. Do you ?

Dan: No. Um…

Eric: All they keep saying is “the end is coming” then they try to kill me.

Dan: I’ve tried to look in on the S.H.I.E.L.D. database but, like, they don’t really let me. I’m still not— Don’t really have [takes a deep breath] you know, access to anything really. So…

Eric: And there’s nobody there, that I know?

Dan: Well, you know people.

Eric: Well, you know what I mean.

Dan: But I don’t know if they’re related to this at all. They- they don’t have- they don’t seem to care. They don’t seem… I-I don’t know. They don’t think it’s related, so. [tsks]

Eric: Alright.

Dan: Like I said, I’ve been on thin ice ever since that one phone call. They just don’t trust me with anything. So…

Masha: Hmm.

Eric: Also probably because you hang out at what is ostensibly, like, a halfway house for superheroes.

Dan: They don’t- they don’t really know that I’m here, though. It’s still- it’s still—

Eric: You think they don’t know? Dude, they know everything.

Dan: [quiet] Shit. You’re right.

Masha: Maybe you should go home.

[Dan scoffs in surprise.]

Dan: Oh.

Lily: Masha!

Masha: Oh, I’m sorry! I don’t mean that to be aggressive. I’m just saying, you know, if your- if your job is on the line, maybe you shouldn’t be here, and—

Dan: I like it here! Look S.H.I.E.L.D.’s kinda boring right now. I mean, like, the world is a mess—

Eric: Yeah but the health benefits, and the—

Dan: The world is a mess. Everybody is still depressed and a lot of supply chains are still messed up. But it’s a lot of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s hands at this point. The organization being so small now, the U.S. government is handling it, uh, poorly, but they’re handling it. And I’m not exactly getting a promotion [sighs] any time soon.

Plus, sometimes it just feels like S.H.I.E.L.D. was part of the whole machine that escalated this in the first place, so…I don’t know. I wanna feel like I’m making a bigger difference than just, like, working for some corporate suit. You know what I’m saying?

[Masha grunts in agreement.]

Eric: Yeah. I get that.

Dan: Well, still on for movie night tonight? Try again? [amused] Master and Commander starring Russell Crowe?

Eric: Far Side of the World? Yeah, you know it. My favorite movie from childhood.

Sage: And then…

[People in the Fort start screaming in panic and running around. Rock music starts.]

Everybody hears chaos coming from inside the Fort. Everybody is screaming at the top of their lungs and Siggy runs out, manic.

Lily: Fuck.

Siggy: Guys, guys, guys! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Sage: [amused] He’s puffin’ smoke like a chimney.

Eric: What’s—

Lily: It’s real fuckin’ loud!

[Masha coughs. Smoke hisses as Siggy blows more smoke from his nose.]

Eric: What’s happening?

Siggy: You gotta- you gotta come an’ get— Come on, come on! Come with me!

Masha: Can you stop that, please? [coughs]

Siggy: N-no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. When it’s high-stress situations I can’t control it. Just… come on!

Eric: Alright.

Sage: Siggy pulls our trio into the Fort. Everybody’s running around with their hair on fire! Not literally, but they’re acting like it.

Eric: As if their hair were to be on fire.

[Stifled laughter.]

b>Sage: And you’ve never seen the Fort like this. Everyone’s usually chill, havin’ a great time, relaxed.

Lily: [quiet] Oh god.

Sage: But this is crazy! Roach joins the group.

[Masha coughs. Footsteps scuff up as Roach runs up to the party.]

Roach: Hey! Yo! We got a totally crisis situation goin’ on here!

Eric: Okay.

Siggy: You guys are not gonna believe it!

Eric: Okay.

[Masha coughs.]

Roach: Look, Henry’s out on the Castle doin’ some recon right now, so he can’t do this job, otherwise I’d give it to him. This is top tier priority. The three of you—

[Masha coughs.]

—happen to have the best reputation. Masha, are you doin’ okay?

Masha: Yes, I’m fine, just spit it out. [coughs]

Siggy: We’re talkin’ end-times status here, people!

Roach: This is an absolute doomsday scenario!

Eric: If you ask us to help another guy move, I swear to fucking god…

Roach: No! The weed’s gone!

[Rock music stops. Everyone continues screaming in panic in the background.]

Lily: The what?

Siggy: The weed! It’s gone! We are out—

Roach: We have no more weed!

Siggy: —of weed!

Roach: Nobody’s comin’ to the Fort if we don’t have weed! What d’you think people hang out here for?

Masha: To help—

Roach: We’re out! We stock full- we’re chock out! We’re done! We’re screwed!

Siggy: Our name brand is Eat Shit and Smoke Weed and we are all out of weed.

Masha: I feel like I missed a memo here, but…

Eric: Oh, no. There is more graffiti on the wall now. I see that. It’s “Eat Shit” and “Smoke Weed”.

[Masha groans.]

Siggy: Yeah, you know. We like to switch it up.

Lily: Wait…

Eric: Alright, I can understand the appeal. What do we do about it?

Roach: Our guys are out on Catalina Island. They have the biggest cannabis farm. They’re Siggy’s guys. They—

Siggy: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Roach: You guys go way back.

Siggy: Yeah, you know we met at sort of an underground club. It was literally, like underground in the sewers.

Masha: [uneasy] Ooh...

Siggy: And you know, they hooked us up. We got some good shit.

Masha: Wow.

Eric: Okay.

Siggy: But we haven’t heard from ’em.

Eric: So you want us to go to your dealer? Is that what I’m getting out o’ this?

Roach: Kinda!

Siggy: Kinda, yeah.

Roach: Yeah, yeah. But it’s not a weird situation. Everything’s cool. I mean, yeah.

Masha: Well, then why is it such an emergency?

Roach: Because we don’t have any weed!

Siggy: Because we’re out of weed!

Masha: Oh—

Roach: We’re outta weed, Masha!

Masha: And you can’t get it yourself?

Siggy: No!

Roach: Not as much as we need for this kinda joint! You know how many people come in an’ outta the Fort now?

Siggy: Big joint.

Roach: This is high times!

Masha: Okay.

Eric: I see…

Lily: Well, I was kicked out of D.A.R.E.

[Travis stifles laughter. Jessica snorts.]

Eric: For what?

Lily: What d’you think people get kicked out of D.A.R.E. for?

Eric: I don’t know. D.A.R.E. was somethin’ you sat through. You had to do something actively during the seminar to get kicked out of D.A.R.E.

Roach: I don’t give a shit how you—

Lily: No, no, no. I joined D.A.R.E. for the t-shirt.

Roach: I don’t give a shit—

Eric: Oh, you joined D.A.R.E.

Roach: I— Hey! Hey! Hey!

Lily: The ironic shirt.

Eric: Oooh, okay.

Siggy: We get it. You’re super punk rock.

Roach: Bloodhound!

Eric: And then- well, then what happened?

Roach: Bloodhound and Scry!

Eric: What?

Roach: Deal with this on the helicopter. Get your asses over to Cat—

Eric: We’re taking a helicopter?

Masha: You have a helicopter? That’s fun! Let’s go!

[Rock music.]

Siggy: Yeah, we got that helicopter.

Lily: [groans] Oh, it’s gonna be so loud.

Siggy: Oh, yeah, right. Shit.

Masha: Awww yeah!

Sage: [amused] And we cut to the helicopter.

[The swish and clunk of a door sliding closed. Helicopter blades whir.]

Eric: Dan, is this a helichopter?

Dan: Yeah! Wait. How d’you know about the helichopter?

Eric: I got picked up in one in Bolivia.

Dan: Oh, shit. That’s right.

Eric: Yeah, did you- did you steal this?

Dan: Don’t tell anyone, okay. I gave ’em the hookup. They don’t- they don’t even— S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t— They’re not even gonna miss it.

Eric: It says “Helichopter” on the side!

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Dan: We’ll paint over it.

Eric: Okay.

Masha: Wow, this is so fun! I’ve never been in a helicopter before! Isn’t this so great, you guys?

Lily: Nooo!

Masha: Oh my god look at how small—or big the city looks, actually—but everything’s so tiny!

Eric: I don’t know what Roach thinks…what kinda special powers any of us could pass to get more weed. Like…

Dan: You guys have just been doin’ good on jobs. So, you got that high tier work. Also everyone else was manic and you guys weren’t, so… I mean pretty straightforward.

Eric: Alright. Right on.

Dan: Like, pick the, you know, most sane [burps] person there.

Masha: Oh, excuse you.

Dan: Smells good, though, right? See, even my burps, not just my skin. My gas as well.

Lily: It’s true.

[Masha sighs.]

Eric: Mmm. Don’t like this.

[Sage chuckles.]

So who’re these people on Catalina Island that have all this weed?

Dan: Uhhh. They both go by MJ.

Eric: ’Kay.

Dan: I’ve heard they could have powers? I mean, that’s why they’re affiliated with the Fort and stuff but, uh, yeah. I don’t know, somethin’ happened. Who knows?

Eric: Do we buy it? Are we just gonna show up and…

Dan: I have no idea what’s going on.

Eric: Did someone just forget to pick it up?

Dan: I don’t even- I didn’t even- I don’t know if I should—

Lily: Are we stealing drugs?

Dan: No, no. We’re just gonna see what’s goin’— Why’re you talking— By the way, I’m not the- the mission-giver here. My name—

Masha: Why’re you here?

[Sage chuckles.]

Eric: You keep answering the questions, man!

Dan: Look, I-I— As a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, that’s just my job. To know information. Uh, so I’ve been doin’ that at the Fort. I ask around.

Eric: Oh, is it? Is it?

Dan: Yes.

Eric: Your job is…okay.

Dan: Yes.

Eric: Okay.

Dan: Yes, that—

Masha: Oh my gosh, look!

Sage: We land in Two Harbors, uh, on—

Travis: At once.

[Everyone stifles laughter.]

Sage: On Catalina Island. Everybody gets out o’ the helicopter.

[Footsteps tap on pavement as the crew jumps down. A quiet hum is heard throughout as the helicopter powers down.]

Masha: Whoa.

Lily: Oh thank god!

Masha: Catalina Island’s beautiful. I’ve never been here before.

Lily: Smells like the shit of a large animal.

Eric: That’s prob’ly the weed.

Lily: No.

Sage: And they’re greeted by two folks who come up very enthusiastic and [chuckles] who have no idea that anything wrong has happened.

Man: [languid] Wait, I know you guys.

Woman: Oh my god, they look so familiar. [chuckles languidly]

Man: I know you guys.

Eric: ’Scuse me?

Woman: [chuckles] You guys are, like, people, right?

Masha: Wha...uh, hi!

[Man laughs languidly.]

Eric: What?

Woman: Hi!

Masha: Do we—

Man: No, no, for real. For real.

Lily: [slow] No, we don’t know you.

Masha: [slow] Wait, were you…

Lily: They’re high.

Woman: What?

[The Man and Woman both laugh languidly and sigh happily. Relaxing beach music starts.]

Man: I’m Marty!

Woman: I’m Mary!

Marty: This is my sister Mary.

Mary: I’m Mary.

[Marty chuckles.]

Dan: Hello, Marty. Hello, Mary. My name is Daniel Daniels, aka Agent Fragrant, but please call me Dan.

Mary: Whoa, man.

Marty: Whoa, Agent Fragrant.

Mary: That’s a great name.

Marty: That’s a cool name.

Dan: Yup. That was my S.H.I.E.L.D. designation as a matter of fact.

[Mary chuckles.]

Lily: ’Sup? I-I’m Bloodhound.

Marty: Bloodhound?

Lily: Mm-hmm.

Mary: [quiet; amused] What?

Marty: Sweet. Sweet. Cool, cool. When we toke it up, that’s gonna be powerful for you.

[Sage chuckles. Jessica stifles laughter.]

Mary: Oh my god.

Marty: Who we got over here?

Eric: Hey, my name’s Eric. Or Scry, sorry. How’s—

Marty, Mary: [together] Scry!

Marty: Like, cry with an S!

Mary: Do you prefer Eric, though?

Marty: Yeah we can call you…

Mary: Because I wanna respect whatever you feel.

Marty: Whatever you want, man.

Eric: Eric’s fine. Thanks, guys.

Marty: Cool. Eric. Eric. We’ll do Eric.

Mary: Hi, Eric. It’s so nice to meet you.

Masha: Hi! I-I’m Roulette.

Marty: Hey, Roulette!

Mary: Hi!

Masha: Hi. Hi.

Marty: [laughs] Oh man.

Masha: So I—

Mary: I love games. [laughs]

Marty: I love games so much! I like to get high and play games.

Mary: Oh fuck.

Marty: Not Russian Roulette, though.

Mary: No, that’s bad.

Marty: Yeah, man. That game’s hard.

Mary: [quiet] That’s bad.

Masha: That’s…yeah.

Lily: She is Russian.

Marty: Oooh. You don’t sound Russian, but you know what—

Masha: Well, I was- I grew up here. I was—

Marty: On Catalina Island?

[Stifled laughter.]

No way! No wonder we know you, man!

[Marty and Mary laugh.]

We’re like neighbors.

Mary: Because you live here. It makes sense now!

Marty: ’Cause you live here. You live here now.

Masha: Okay, I think I’m just gonna let that ride. I-I—

[Mary laughs.]

Yeah!

Marty: Okay. Okay.

Mary: Where do you live?

Marty: Who’s this last guy over here? Wait, wait, wait. Where d’you live? Tell us where you live, first.

Masha: Oh, well, I-I actually live in, uh—

Mary: Great.

Masha: Oh. [stifles laughter]

[Marty and Mary laugh.]

Masha: Yeah [chuckles] Actually, so, uh, Mary, Marty. Do you- d’you guys know where we can find M th- MJ? Or, or…

[Marty and Mary laugh.]

Marty: You found ’em man. We’re both—

Mary: It’s us. You’re lookin’ at ’em.

Marty: Yeah, like, you’re lookin’ at ’em!

Masha: Wait you g- you both are M… Oh, you’re MJ—

Marty: Marty Jane.

Marty, Mary: [together] Mary Jane. MJ! Squared!

Masha: Wow.

[Marty and Mary laugh. Masha chuckles.]

Lily: Are those your real names?

Marty, Mary: [together] Yeah.

[Beat.]

Lily: Oh.

Marty: Yeah. Our mom, Tammy Jane, and our dad…

Mary: Phil.

Marty: Phil Jane.

Lily: Big- big fans of the- the herb?

Marty: Yeah, that was our Grandpa. Herb Jane.

[Jessica and Sage stifle laughter.]

Eric: God. Sss—

Mary: He was such a good man.

Marty: He was a good man.

Mary: I’m so glad that you’ve heard of him.

Marty: Aw.

Eric: Lily, act like you’ve been here before. Jesus Christ.

Mary: Thank you.

Masha: Just a heads up, she’s sixteen.

Marty: Oooh.

[Mary laughs.]

Eric: So she’s supposed to be cool, right?

Marty: You’re gonna need a doctor’s rec’.

[Marty and Mary laugh hard.]

But good news! I am a registered cannabis doctor.

Mary: Ah, he is!

Marty: I am, I am.

[Clothes and paper rustle as Marty pulls a license out of his pocket. He shows it off with a laugh.]

Masha: Wow.

Eric: Look at that.

Mary: It’s written with crayon, but it still counts.

[Jessica laughs.]

Marty: Still counts.

Eric: And the state is Idaho.

Mary: It still counts.

Marty: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Potatoes, weed, vegetation.

Mary: Growing.

Masha: That makes sense.

[Mary chuckles.]

Eric: I see.

Dan: Yeah, uh, about that, uh—

Marty: Mm-hmm?

Dan: —that’s- that’s why we’re here.

Mary: Mm-hmm?

Dan: Hi, yeah, it- me. Daniel Daniels, Agent Fragrant again.

Marty: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mary: He smells good. [chuckles]

Marty: He does smell pretty good.

Dan: Yes, that- yes.

Lily: [quiet] Yeah, he does.

Dan: There was an accident in a Febreze facility my skin got merged with—

Mary: Shut up!

Dan: Yes, yes.

Marty: Oh, wow.

Mary: I love Febreze.

Marty: Yeah, Febreze is great. You’re like the world’s most absorbent couch as a person.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Eric: I like that.

Dan: Yes, I’ve also heard I’m a walking car freshener as well. That’s a good one.

Marty: Okay, nice. That’s a good one. That’s a good one.

Mary: That’s nice.

Marty: Okay, but you have feelings too. So let’s not- let’s not dig too much into it.

Mary: No.

Dan: Nah, it’s all good. Uh, we- we got a call about a thing.

Eric: Yeah, we’re from the Fort. We’re supposed to pick up ostensibly a shit load of weed from you guys. Because we’re out.

Dan: Yeah you guy’s’ve been our main dealer to the—

Marty: [sober] We look like a couple o’ drug dealers to you?

Masha: Oh!

[Suspenseful music.]

Dan: Well, sorry, sorry. Business—

Marty: [irked] We look like a coup— No, no. Shut your mouth. We look like a couple o’ drug dealers to you guys?

Masha: No, no, no, no!

Mary: Okay.

Marty: That what we look like? Huh?

Mary: Hey.

Masha: N-n—

Marty: Huh?

[Beat.]

[chuckles languidly] I’m just kidding, man. Of course we can hook you up with pot!

[Masha chuckles nervously.]

Yeah, that’s all we got!

Masha: [nervously] That was really funny. [chuckles]

[Marty laughs.]

Mary: [amused] That’s all we got.

Lily: [unfazed] Yeah, that’s...good.

Marty: [laughs] They were freakin’ out! Oh man.

Mary: Sometimes he does it to scare people. [chuckles]

Marty: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Masha: Yeah, I got really scared for a second.

[Marty continues laughing.]

Mary: [amused] Sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Masha: It’s okay, it’s okay.

Dan: So I have a feeling everything is autonomous and it just kind of has been dealing it- on its own? Just- you don’t really—

Marty: Yeah.

Dan: Okay.

Marty: We don’t have to do a lot of work. Yeah, this stuff just grows. It keeps growin’.

Mary: Mm-hmm.

Marty: I talk to the plants.

Mary: Yeah.

Masha: I heard that’s really good.

Marty: Yeah, it’s good for ’em.

Dan: Is that your power?

Mary: Whoa.

Marty: Whoa, who ever said anything about powers?

Mary: What’s your power?

Marty: What’s your power?

Dan: I-I—

Mary: Oh, wait. You smell good.

[Marty and Mary laugh.]

Dan: Yeah that’s my… [resigned] Yeah, that’s my power. Yeah.

Eric: We- we heard- we heard through the, uh, weed vine.

Marty: Weed vine!

[Marty and Mary chuckle. Masha chuckles nervously.]

Lily: You could workshop that.

Eric: Alright, alright, alright.

[Relaxed beach music resumes.]

Sage: Marty brings everybody inside of their little shack in Two Harbors. [amused] This used to be where the Boy Scouts come and do their little vacation. But after the Snap, nah. Not a thing. No Boy Scouts anymore. So you guys took over. Not in any malicious way. This is just, like, where you hang out. It’s kinda your base.

Marty: From a young age, I started toking up, and, you know, I was able to do things with my mind.

Mary: Mm-hmm.

Marty: Mostly cannabis style. You know, the things that come with smokin’ weed? Paranoia, munchies, friendship.

Mary: Yeah. He can, like, make you feel those with his brain.

Marty: Yeah. And you know a range of other things too.

Mary: Uh-huh.

[Marty chuckles.]

Masha: Oh, wow.

Marty: Yeah.

Masha: Yeah, I…

Eric: Holy shit, that’s wild.

Marty: It’s pretty wild. [chuckles]

Eric: Oh my god.

[Masha scoffs in amusement.]

Marty: It’s pretty cool. But you know, I mostly just stay here in Catalina and grow weed. So, like…

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Mary: Yeah.

Marty: I’m not really gettin’ out of…

Dan: Yeah, do you guys know that nobody’s gettin’ your shipments?

[Suspenseful music.]

Marty: What?

Mary: What?

Dan: Yeah, I don’t know. Somethin’ happened. That’s why the four of us are here.

Marty: Oh, man.

Mary: Oh, shit.

Marty: Uh-oh. Like…

Mary: Oh, fuck.

Marty: Like, uh…

Eric: How d’you- how d’you guys export your products? What happens?

Mary: Well…

Eric: What’s the process? ’Cause it can’t just be the two of you here, shipping out all this weed.

Marty: Yeah. Well—

Mary: No. So, like, I mean. Okay. Well, I guess that’s where, kind of, my power comes in.

Marty: Yup.

Mary: ’Cause I, like, when I get high, whatever I imagine basically comes into existence. But then if I create something else, then the thing that I created before doesn’t exist anymore. So, like, I created an entire infrastructure in which weed would get put into different places throughout the entire world and get shipped.

Marty: Yeah, yeah. So we’re just- we just kinda have a lot o’ weed and a lot o’ shipping orders, but I feel like there were other people here.

[Suspenseful music intensifies.]

Mary: Yeah.

Sage: Then, suddenly!

[A screech in the distance.]

Lily: Do you guys hear that?

Masha: Hear what?

Special Thanks

Bart: Okay, and now a word from our sponsors.

[Tape rewinds.]

Kristin: I feel like MJ.

Sean: D’you wanna be Ma- be Mary Jane. D’you wanna- should we be related? ’Cause then I could be Marty Jane.

[Laughter.]

Mary and Marty Jane.

Jessica: Oh my god!

Sage: Please! Please.

Kristin: Yeah.

Sean: Okay. Marty Jane.

Travis: [accent] It’s your cousin, Marvin Berry.

[Sean laughs.]

Jessica: You were like, ganja girl?

[Stifled laughter.]

Kristin: Yeah, kind of like a- a weed version of the green lantern.

Sage: What’s- so what’s like- what’s like her weakness? Or like her- the thing that would be like—

Kristin: Lung capacity. [laughs]

Travis: Short term memory.

[Laughter.]

[Tape fast-forwards.]

Sage: That was from a bonus episode that just dropped on the Adventure Pass feed earlier. Last week! With Sean and Kristin of The Way Highway. They talk about their characters and we build them out.

Obviously you’re gettin’ the pattern here. We did this with all our guests and it’s a really, really fun time, and it’s an exclusive little gift for all the patrons. Speaking of, thank you to…

Travis: Michael Aldritch

Jessica: Thank you, Thomas Holloway

Emily: Runner5. Thank you, times five!

Jessica: Thank you, Him.

Travis: Anthony Rameres

Emily: Thank you, Jamie Cassick

Sage: Doug Lane Anderson

Jessica: Thanks, Ethan.

Emily: Carrie Lee

Sage: Nicole Loopers

Travis: Ryan Pravol, thanks.

Jessica: Thank you, Anujuc Chokshi

Emily: Thank you, Alex Cullens.

Sage: Thank you all so, so much. If you haven’t got yourself an Adventure Pass like they all did. You should!

Travis: If any of you are fans of the POKÉMON! season and want more stuff from that world, Xander has a patron-only miniseries called “Xander’s Meanders” where you can follow him, retracing his steps along the journey through Kanto, and interviewing people he meets along the way.

[Tape rewinds.]

Boy: Shorts are here to stay! I can move like a gazelle with these things! Look at my legs!

[Shoes scuff on dirt as the Boy kicks his legs.]

Totally bare! Unencumbered by fabric. You wanna see me run into Mt. Moon?

Xander: Wha- uh, okay.

Boy: You wanna see me do it again?

Xander: …Okay.

Boy: That’s the magic o’ shorts, baby!

Xander: [quiet] This is—

Boy: How come you’re not wearing shorts yet?

Xander: ’Cause I don’t want to.

Boy: I don’t see you—

Xander: I don’t want to!

[Tape fast-forwards.]

Travis: It’s a podcast, within a podcast. If you thought we couldn’t get more niche, you were wrong.

[Sage, Jessica, and Emily laugh.]

Sage: Check it all out at

Patreon.com/20sidedstories

Only $3 a month and you can cancel anytime. Which, by the way, times are real weird right now and I’ve gotten messages in the past of people feeling guilty about having to drop their subscription. Don’t even worry about it. I understand completely. Hopefully, we’ll see you back in the future! And for those who can continue their support, it actually is a pretty solid chunk of my income right now, so just want to let you know it means the world to me.

Jessica: Thank you so, so much!

Emily: Patreon or no patreon. I love you all.

Sage: But guess what? There’s a way to support the show for free! All of $0!

Emily: If you don’t already follow us on social media, we are @20SidedStories on both Instagram and Twitter. We post memes, we post beautiful, beautiful episode art.

Sage: It’s really good!

Emily: Josh Wolf, you’re a magician.

Sage: That’s @20SidedStories. See ya there.

Catalina Weed Mixer - Part II

[Suspenseful music. Water laps against the beach.]

Masha: What is it, Lily?

Lily: I heard something out here, I swear.

Dan: Uh, yeah. There’s no pilot. Where’d the- where’d the pilot go?

Masha: What?

Eric: What d’you mean, there’s no pilot?

[Footsteps crunch on grass.]

Dan: Guys, come over here.

Masha: Um, what’s going on?

Eric: Holy shit, there’s no pilot.

Dan: No pilot.

Lily: Hold on, wait. Let me see if I can…hear ’im.

Masha: Smell him?

Lily: Or smell him. I don’t know. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Lily takes a deep breath.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Roll full blue.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Success chime.]

Emily: Yes Personal. 7 for Powerful.

Sage: Hmm.

[Emily groans quietly.]

[A bird cries out multiple times.]

Sage: Lily is pretty confident that this trail is leading to the water and it’s pretty obvious something…something strange took the pilot. However it ends cold pretty quickly and you can’t track it. As soon as it goes in the water, you don’t know where it went or what happened.

Lily: I mean, something dragged ’im and took ’im in. But all I smell is salt.

Eric: Something dragged him?

Masha: Do you guys have, like, a—

Eric: What kind of Doctor Moreau horseshit is goin’ on on Catalina Island these days?

[Mary and Marty chuckle.]

Marty: I don’t know, man. We don’t go in the water much.

Mary: Yeah.

[Marty chuckles.]

Eric: Has this not happened before?

Mary: What?

Marty: What?

Eric: ’Cause our ride outta here just disappeared.

Mary: That sucks, man.

Marty: That sucks, bro.

Masha: Okay, okay.

[Masha begins breathing hard in panic.]

Mary: But, like, we have an extra room if you guys wanna stay.

Marty: Yeah.

Mary: Like, you guys are totally welcome.

Lily: You’re tellin’ me they didn’t tell you how to fly a helicopter in S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Eric: Stop…

[Travis stifles laughter.]

Stop undercutting me when I’m having conver- tryin’ to be serious!

Masha: I’m kinda freaking out right now, guys. Oh my god.

Eric: Chill out, chill out.

Marty: It’s chill. You should smoke a blunt.

[Masha groans.]

Mary: To— Here.

Marty: Roast up, man. It’ll chill you out. Here, take this.

Masha: [pants] I have a confession, I’ve never done this before.

[Everyone cries “Oh!” in unison and begin talking over each other.]

Marty: Hey, hey, hold on!

Mary: Whoa, whoa, hold on!

Lily: Okay, Masha, Masha, Masha!

Eric: Okay, hold on, hold on. Before we go- before we go smoking shit that’s- that’s…

Masha: Okay.

[Bird cries out multiple times.]

Mary: No, we’re good den mothers. We don’t do that shit. If you’ve never done this before, we’re gonna make sure you’re comfortable as fuck.

Marty: Yeah, we gotta get our records goin’. Play— Put on a nice record. Chill out.

Mary: Some calm music.

Marty: Some calming music.

Mary: Some lights, yeah.

Lily: Should we maybe try to make sure that the pilot’s not, I don’t know, dead?

Marty: Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Cool, cool.

Mary: I feel like that should’ve happened a while ago.

[Mary and Marty chuckle.]

Dan: Uh, well, we’ll stay out here an’ keep an ear out.

Eric: Good call. Uh, we’ll take Masha inside and see if we can calm her down.

[Masha breaths out slowly. Footsteps pad away on grass as the group splits off.]

Dan: Hope the pilot’s not dead.

Mary: People don’t normally breath well underwater. [chuckles]

Dan: Yeah. Well…

Lily: I just wanna see if I can, I don’t know, like hear him splashing around under there?

Dan: Did you hear anything specific before, when he grabbed—

[Suspenseful music continues. Birds cry out.]

Lily: Let me, let me, shh, shh.

Dan: ’Cause you— Don’t you have good hearing now or somethin’ like that?

Lily: Shh, shh. You beautiful man, shut up.

Dan: Oh.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Lily roll for Personal Space.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Net chime.]

Lily: I mean, I can hear, like…there’s, like, bubbles rising somewhere nearby. But, I mean, that could just be, like, a seal. Or, like, a dolphin.

Dan: Shark.

Lily: [whispers] There’s sharks out there?

Dan: There are- what, what?

Lily: There’s- there’s sharks out there?

Dan: Yes. There’s- there’s sharks in the...Pacific Ocean. That’s- that’s where they—

Lily: But- but, like, here?

Dan: Well, yeah. [stifles laughter] The ocean didn’t go anywhere. It’s still right there.

Lily: How many d’you think- think got Snapped?

Dan: Y-you’re really close to me. [nervous chuckle] Can we- can we watch our personal space really quick?

Lily: I’m sorry! It just smells like bison shit and salt water here, and you just smell like…

Dan: Yeah, okay.

[Lily sighs.]

Just keep listening for any sort of, I don’t know, crocodile or whatever the hell…shark or person that’s being weird.

[Water bubbles up from the shore.]

Lily: Wait, shh, shh, shh.

[Fades into water bubbling from lighting a bong.]

Masha: Wow, this is really helping me.

[Masha sighs in relief.]

Marty: Right. [chuckles]

Masha: [chuckles languidly] Wait, why didn’t I do this before?

Marty: [chuckles] The more the merrier.

Mary: Totally.

Marty: Is a thing you say about people.

Mary: Uh-huh.

Marty: But it’s how I feel about the weed here. You know?

Mary: It’s true.

Marty: The more the merrier. [chuckles]

Mary: The more of it that we have, the better.

Marty: Yeah.

Masha: I feel very merry.

[Beat.]

Marty: Ooooh!

Mary: Like me?

Masha: [laughs] That is, like, your name!

Mary: That is my name.

Masha: That’s so funny.

Marty: Merry or Mary?

Masha: Both.

Marty: Or both?

Masha: Both.

[Marty chuckles.]

Eric: So has there been anything else that’s ever disappeared from the edge of the island that’s been dragged into the water?

[Masha chuckles.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: And then…

Marty, roll me Intellect.

[Light Rock music intensifies.]

[Dice roll on table.]

Plus 6?

Sean: Yeah.

Sage: Is a full 20.

[Success chime.]

Travis: Jesus Christ.

Sean: Shweet.

[Electronic warbling and chirps are heard.]

Sage: Like a flash of lightning, Marty gets all these images appearing in his head. He’s, like, computing the THC flowing through his brain, sending all this information. He remembers something he just happened to forget.

[Travis and Sean chuckle.]

Legends call it…Man-Fish.

Marty: Yeah, it’s the fish thing.

[Suspenseful music.]

[Masha chuckles.]

Eric: Excuse me, the what?

Marty: It’s the fish thing.

Eric: The fish thing?

Mary: Ooooh.

Marty: Oh, I’m so sorry. Man-Fish. ’Cause, like, what could come grab ’im out and pull ’im in? Man-Fish.

Mary: You know.

Eric: Man-Fish?

Marty: Yeah.

Masha: Sounds like a song.

[Marty chuckles.]

Eric: There’s a Man-Fish?

Masha: [sings] What could go an’ grab an’ pull ’im out, Man-Fish!

Mary: Well, I mean, is it a real Man-Fish or is it, like, cryptozoology, like, uh, like- like a- like a bigfoot.

Marty: Right.

Mary: Like, ’cause it was always a legend, man.

Marty: Right.

Mary: [chuckles] Like, we didn’t think, until, like, you’re dude went away. [laughs]

Marty: Right, right, right. But I ju- uh [tsks] I’ve totally interacted with it before.

Mary: Shut…

Marty: Yeah, sorry I didn’t tell you.

Mary: Up.

Marty: I didn’t wanna worry you, but I’ve totally, like, seen it, and come across it.

Mary: Did you name ’im?

Marty: Fishman.

Mary: Fishman?

Marty: Yeah.

Mary: Aww.

Eric: There’s a Man-Fish and he took our pilot, dragged him into the water…

Marty: Yeah. [sighs] You know, for all this time, I like to give people and things the benefit of the doubt. And I was like, Man-Fish prob’ly chill. I guess Man-Fish is not chill.

Masha: Oh no. [chuckles]

Marty: Yeah.

[Mary chuckles with Masha.]

Masha: I’m laughing but it’s not funny. [chuckles]

[Marty laughs.]

Mary: It’s okay.

Marty: I do that all the time!

Mary: Sometimes, you need to laugh, so that you don’t cry.

[Beat.]

Masha: Wow… That’s really deep.

Eric: You guys alright?

[Masha, Mary, and Marty start chuckling.]

Man-Fish got a house anywhere?

Marty: You know it! Avalon.

[Masha and Mary chuckle.]

D’you want me to bring you there?

Eric: Yes! That’d be great!

Marty: Oh! You wanna get your buddy back.

Eric: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Marty: [chuckles] I just put this all together.

[Mary chuckles.]

Eric: You’re right on it. You’re on top of the- you’re on the ball. That’s great.

[Clothes rustle as everyone stands up. A door creaks open. Footsteps tap on grass as they return to the others.]

Lily!

Dan: [distant] I’m eleven years your senior! Like, I don’t know how many times we go over this, okay?

Eric: Man-Fish!

Masha: Lily!

Dan: It’s not— Oh, hey guys.

Masha: You’re making a fool outta yourself. [chuckles]

Dan: I’m sorry, Eric. What the fuck did you just s—

Eric: Man…Fish.

Lily: Yeah. M-man-Fish. Fishman? I heard something fishy.

Masha: So there’s a big ol’ fish man. It took the pilot.

Mary: Fishman.

Marty: Yeah.

Lily: Are you high?

Masha: Maybe.

[Mary and Masha giggle.]

Dan: [slowly] Let’s go catch the fish?

Eric: Marty knows where he lives. It lives.

Marty: Yeah. I could take you there. For sure.

Masha: Is it underwater?

Lily: Is he hostile?

Marty: Um, you know, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I’m pretty sure—

[Masha snorts.]

[Sage chuckles.]

Lily: I heard- I heard you say that, yeah.

Marty: —that Man-Fish is not chill.

Lily: Yeah.

Marty: So probably hostile. Yeah.

Masha: Maybe you should bring some o’ your weed. ’Cause I was having a bad day today, but now today’s looking way better.

Marty: [chuckles] Alright. I’ll bring some weed.

Mary: I always have weed.

[Mary, Marty, and Masha giggle.]

Dan: Good thing we gotta walk all the way to Avalon.

Eric: Where’s Avalon?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Dan: The opposite side of this big-ass island.

Eric: Oh.

Lily: We have to walk here?

Marty: Oh, Mary!

[Marty and Mary chuckle.]

You coulda created, like, a car or something. [laughs]

Mary: I mean, let’s do it!

Marty: Alright. Okay.

[Mary takes a deep breath.]

Oh wait!

[Mary holds her breath.]

Make the pork chop express.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Dan: Yes. Yes, please. I would like to see that. That’d be great.

[Mary slowly releases her breath. Masha coughs. Swishing is heard as smoke whirls around, slowly forming into something.]

Eric: It’s a bunch o’— Oh.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: And, Mary Jane, could you please roll me Powerful Energy to see how good this thing is?

[A crinkle is heard as Mary’s creation solidifies.]

[Failure chime.]

[Kristin stifles laughter.]

Travis: [laughs] It’s a beater.

Sage: What’s—

Kristin: [laughs] A 7.

Sage: A 7 in total?

Kristin: In total.

Sage: Okay.

Sean: Oh no.

Sage: It’s not great. It’s not great.

Marty: Oh man. That’s not the truck from Big Trouble in Little China.

Mary: [chuckles] I’m sorry man.

Marty: That’s alright.

Mary: I couldn’t remember what it looked like, so I—

[Marty laughs.]

This is kinda what I imagined it would be.

Marty: You made a skateboard.

[Mary laughs.]

[chuckles] Alright, everyone. Pile on!

Mary: Let’s do this!

Dan: I can’t believe it took years for anything to go wrong.

[Travis laughs.]

[Adventure music. A skateboard rolls across the pavement.]

Sage: And we tandem skateboard all the way to Avalon. It becomes immediately clear when we arrive in the harbor that something is happening.

Woman: [distant] Oh my god, something’s happening!

Man-Fish: Man-Fish strikes again! [gurgles an evil laughs]

Sage: And you see this angry, orange fish just attacking boats and being very mad.

[People scream in the background. The sounds of destruction are heard.]

Masha: Whoa...

Man-Fish: Sobriety to the shores! Taste my kindred kelp! Run, citizens, run!

[A swish is heard and glass shatters.]

Eric: Yeah, this guy’s not chill.

[Mary chuckles.]

Lily: Well, I’m sober.

Marty: Not chill at all.

Masha: Uh, wait you guys see a big, giant, fish man?

Mary: Mm-hmm.

Marty: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s Man-Fish.

Lily: Yeah. Masha.

Masha: Oh my god, I forgot that’s why we’re here. We’re seeing a Man-Fish. Okay, okay, okay.

Lily: Are you gonna be okay?

Sage: And then all of a sudden…

[Noise stops.]

Masha feels a click in her chest.

[Masha coughs.]

A heavy— It’s almost as if her heart stops.

[Masha’s piano motif plays softly. Masha coughs.]

Lily: Was that…

Sage: Something is…fading. Something is leaving her.

Masha: Did weed kill me just now? Oh my god, [tearful] I knew I shouldn’t’ve done it.

Sage: And just like when Masha uses her powers, in that brief moment before one comes out, she feels connected to all six. She can almost see them like gates. And one’s going away, and she has to decide which one. And it will never come back.

Masha: [thoughts echo] Eh…Mind. Photographic memory. Never use it anyway.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

[A whoosh as the power disappears.]

Sage: It fades. Then…she’s back. And everybody’s freaking the fuck out because Man-Fish is going on a rampage!

[Screaming and suspenseful music resumes. The sounds of Man-Fish’s destruction continue.]

Eric: What Scooby-Doo-ass shit is this?

Man-Fish: Eat my seawater spit!

[Man-Fish hacks. Slimy water splatters everywhere. Everyone groans.]

Masha: Ew.

Lily: What the fuck going on?

Eric: Marty.

Marty: Oh, yeah, yeah?

Eric: Didn’t you say you can make him feel shit? Can you…you can do—

Marty: Oh, yeah. Okay. D’you want me to see if I can turn myself into High Guy?

Woman: [distant] He’s going for my yacht! Please help!

Eric: Yes!

Lily: Oh my god, just fucking— You with the fish!

Eric: That would be great!

Marty: Alright, man.

Eric: [whispers] Who’s High Guy?

Mary: High Guy’s his alter ego, man.

[A swish is heard as Marty twirls around. He claps.]

Marty: [sober] What’s up? I’m High Guy.

Mary: Hi, Guy.

[Marty laughs languidly.]

Marty: High Guy!

Mary: High Guy!

Eric: He spun around.

[Mary and Marty chuckle.]

Marty: Alright.

Man-Fish: Brace yourself for my brine barracuda attack!

[Man-Fish hacks and slimy water splatters everywhere.]

Marty: Okay. Let me see what I can do.

Eric: Ugh. This is…so gross.

Masha: This smells so—

Lily: Alright, Eric. What the fuck are we gonna do?

Eric: What? In general?

Lily: Yeah. You, me, the only—

Eric: Let this play out.

[Lily sighs.]

Marty: Check this out. This is what I can do. I can get inside his mind. I can make him paranoid.

Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do that. Do that.

Marty: You want me to do that?

Eric: Yeah!

Lily: Yeah, if it’s gonna work.

Marty: Alright, alright. Cool, cool, cool.

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Marty, roll me full yellow. So you’re gonna be looking at Mind and Intellect.

Sean: Is 11.

[Success chime.]

Travis: You get it.

Sage: That’s a success.

Sean: Okay.

Sage: And a little bit amplified.

Sean: Alright!

Sage: Not great, but better than nothin’. You are able to tap into Man-Fish ever so slightly to try to get an inkling of his psychology.

[A low buzz is heard as Marty’s power activates.]

Marty: [thoughts echo] Oh, Man-Fish.

[Man-Fish gurgles.]

Oh, you got such a little fishy brain.

[Marty chuckles. Man-Fish growls.]

Check this out, man. What are you doin’ out here? You gotta be in the water to live.

[Man-Fish gurgles questioningly.]

You know? That’s where all your other fish friend-o’s are.

Man-Fish: There are no other Man-Fish. Only Man-Fish.

[Chad stifles laughter.]

Marty: Aww. But, maybe you should—

Man-Fish: No fish but Man-Fish!

Marty: Maybe if you try to get along with regular fish, you know, you can find some friends.

Man-Fish: But…but I must seek revenge on the shielded shore-goer!

Marty: Oh. Oh man. No that dude kicks everyone’s ass.

Man-Fish: The seagulled-capped nemesis!

Marty: Yeah, yeah. Captain America. Yeah. He kicks everyone’s ass.

[Man-Fish screams.]

He kicked my ass once. I let him do it.

Man-Fish: Y-you too?

Marty: Yeah.

[Gentle music.]

Man-Fish: Man-Fish is not the only one?

Marty: No, it’s chill, Man-Fish.

Man-Fish: Years I plotted my revenge.

Marty: Yeah, nah. Don’t worry ’bout it, man. A life built around revenge is not much of a life, you know?

Man-Fish: You wanna come down to my sea cave and talk about it?

Marty: Um…I’m in the middle of something…

[Man-Fish screams.]

Marty: Oh no! Or um—

Sage: And we break out of the mind meld.

[Stat test chime.]

I would like Lily, Masha, and Eric all to roll me full power. Go all orange.

[Dice roll on table.]

[Failure chime.]

Travis: So, like, no.

[Failure chime.]

Emily: Absolutely not.

Jessica: Um…Hulkerella.

[Success chime.]

Sage: [stifles laughter] Shit. Okay. Lily and Eric, you’re fuckin’ useless. Masha starts to transform.

[Masha roars.]

Masha: [she-hulk voice] Get back in the ocean, man!

Man-Fish: Oh, what? Holy shit! Oh my god!

[Heavy footsteps thud as Masha charges.]

Masha: I’m gonna mess your face up!

Marty: Whoa.

Man-Fish: Oh god!

[Heavy thuds as Masha punches Man-Fish. Man-Fish cries out in pain.]

Sage: [amused] Are you beating up Man-Fish?

Masha: Go back! Submit, submit!

Sage: Alright, I—

Man-Fish: Slippery scales, don’t fail me now!

[Masha as Hulkerella continues to relentlessly punch Man-Fish.]

[Stat test chime.]

Sage: Rolling for Man-Fish’s durability.

[Net chime.]

Uhhhh. [stifles laughter] He’s barely breathing.

[Travis and Sean chuckle.]

Lily: Masha, you’re killing him!

Masha: Okay! I’ll stop. [roars] I can’t stop!

[Punches continue landing. Wet squelches are heard.]

Eric: I don’t know if this is a crime, but it feels like one! We should stop!

Marty: Whoa.

Lily: Masha, this isn’t you!

Mary: Whoa. Masha!

Eric: Get back in the ocean!

Mary: Take a hit o’ this.

Lily: Masha, we need to find where the pilot is!

[Heavy footsteps thud as Masha walks over to Mary.]

Masha: I’mma take a hit.

[She takes a deep breath and coughs.]

Sage: Masha calms down and turns back into herself.

Lily: We need him to find the fucking pilot!

[Man-Fish hacks and vomits.]

Mary: Hey, hey. Man-Fish.

Sage: [amused] He throws up the pilot. He’s dead.

[A wet thud is heard as the body gets vomited up. Everyone groans.]

Mary: Shit.

Marty: Munchies. [chuckles]

Lily: I shoulda smelled that.

[Man-Fish gasps for breath.]

Mary: I’m sorry about that, guys.

Masha: I’m so sorry!

Sage: But then Man-Fish smells the old Mary Jane. [stifles laughter]

[Man-Fish sobs. Gentle guitar music plays.]

Mary: You okay?

Man-Fish: [tearful] I just want someone to talk to.

Marty: Like, we were just talking.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Man-Fish: I have all these streaming accounts—

Marty: Oh.

Man-Fish: —and no one to watch them with.

Mary: Duuude.

Man-Fish: I make separate profiles for people who don’t exist just so that I think I might know friends! [sobs]

Mary: You wanna come over sometime?

Man-Fish: What?

Marty: Y-yeah. I mean, I didn’t wanna go to your place, ’cause it’s like, underwater. But like—

Mary: We can’t breathe there. [chuckles]

Marty: We can’t breathe there. But, like, you couldn’t—

Man-Fish: Oooh!

Marty: You can come chill out. Rip a bong.

Mary: It’s pretty great.

Lily: This is the weirdest fucking thing we’ve ever done.

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Eric: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Man-Fish: Man-Fish would love to— Yes! Yes! Yes!

Marty: Alright.

Mary: We’ll have to figure out how it works with gills but, like, I’m excited about it.

Masha: Can I just take a moment? [tearful] I’m feeling really emotional now. Mr. Man-Fish. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you.

Man-Fish: It’s okay. I’m- I’m used to rejection by society.

Masha: I feel that too! I feel so lonely all the time.

Man-Fish: Oh! You want a fishy hug?

Masha: Yeah!

[Man-Fish and Masha hug and cry.]

Man-Fish: I’m sorry about the slime. Oh, Captain America.

Lily: Yeah, fuck that guy.

Man-Fish: Curse you for keeping me from having friends for these last fifteen years!

[Man-Fish coughs a little.]

Eric: Well, now that…this is resolved…or, as close as this is gonna be…

Marty: Yeah.

Eric: Can we get that weed from y’all?

Marty: [sober] Do I look like a drug dealer to you?

[Eric groans in exasperation. Mary snorts. Masha chuckles.]

Is that what I look like? A drug dealer?

Dan: You did this bit.

Masha: That was funny!

Eric: Yeah, you did this bit.

Marty: Yeah, okay. [chuckles] Of course, of course.

Dan: Can you make us, like, a- like, a new boat? Or whatever, and…

Mary: Oh. Did I forget to mention that I can pilot a helicopter?

[Sage stifles laughter.]

Dan: What?

Marty: [laughs] Whoops.

Mary: Yeah! I can, like, take you back, guys.

Lily: Okay, but like again. You’re S.H.I.E.L.D. training just, like, didn’t include helicopters?

Eric: There are clearly defined roles—

Dan: There are tiers of employment, and I have not been promoted in five years, so please get off of my back.

Masha: Should we—

Eric: Not everyone gets to fly the helicopter. It’s a privilege, not a right!

Dan: You have to earn it, and you also have to be very diligent in how you ask for meetings—

Masha: Okay. Can you guys—

Dan: —to talk about it, and you’re gonna get a lot o’ “No”s.

Eric: And sometimes, if you don’t spy on—

Mary: Hey, guys.

Lily: I hit a sore spot.

Mary: Why don’t you guys hit some o’ this?

[Marty laughs.]

Masha: Yeah, you guys are being really mean.

[Clothes rustle as Dan reaches forward.]

Dan: Alright, fuck it. Here we go.

Eric: Alright. Yeah.

Lily: Fuckin’ Catalina weed mixer.

[Gentle music. Helicopter blades thrum.]

Eric: Wow, uh, did that just happen?

Dan: Yeah, I mean, were we even on that island? Honestly, I mean the whole thing feels like a dream. I feel a twist coming on.

[Beat.]

Mm. Maybe not.

Masha: Man, I can’t even tell what’s goin’ on right now. I had a fever dream and there was a giant Man-Fish, and I just—

Eric: Man-Fish was real. We all saw the Man-Fish.

Dan: Yeah, that was not…that was not—

Lily: Unfortunately.

Masha: Well, did you guys see the gates, then?

Eric: Hmm?

Lily: What?

Eric: Whoa, you were really high.

Lily: Yeah, which—

Masha: I don’t know, man. I saw, like, a bunch o’ gates, and I think they, like, represent, like, my powers and—

Eric: I remember my first time.

Masha: —I gave one away, and it was really weird.

Lily: Wait, Masha, what?

Masha: I don’t know. My heart felt like it was gonna stop, and I thought I was gonna die for a second. But I think that just a part of me died.

Lily: I mean, I heard it click. I know you don’t believe me, but…

Dan: Looks like we’re, uh, landing.

Mary: Guys, this is awesome.

[Metal clanks as the helicopter lands.]

But, like, flying you guys here, especially with my experience only being YouTube videos, so, like, that’s a lot o’ trust.

Eric: [quiet] Holy shit.

Masha: Whoa.

Dan: Does everybody just resort to YouTube nowadays? Isn’t that how you found them? Never mind.

Eric: Mm-hmm.

Dan: I’m high too.

Eric: It’s great.

[Masha stifles laughter.]

Mary: [chuckles] We hot-boxed the shit outta this, it’s like... [laughs]

Marty: I wasn’t sure if I was still here. But I am! ’Cause I’m right here!

Mary: We both are!

Marty: We’re both still here!

Eric: Everybody’s still here.

Marty: Oh, man. S-sometimes I forget where I am, for reals. I haven’t been on- off o’ that island.

Mary: Yeah. This place looks a lot different.

Man-Fish: I’ve never been in the sky before.

[Misadventure music.]

Dan: [startled] Man-Fish, you’re stuck in the helicopter?

Lily: AHH!

Masha: Oh my god!

Eric: Man-Fish is still here!

Marty: Ah, Man-Fish.

Man-Fish: I thought we were all friends now.

Dan: Ah, shit.

Man-Fish: You said get in the copter.

Lily: You guys didn’t smell him this whole time?

Masha: Honestly, so many things have been happening and I just thought that was me and I didn’t wanna embarrass myself even more and ask if you smelled fish, because I smell it but—

Lily: He smells like a bathroom in an all you can eat sushi restaurant.

Man-Fish: Thank you!

Masha: Yeah, that’s it. You’re more specific.

[Jessica stifles laughter.]

Dan: Well…Marty and Mary…uh, thanks...

Marty: No problem, man!

Mary: You’re welcome!

Marty: Was our pleas’. [chuckles]

Eric: So yeah. I guess we’ll just—

Mary: You know where to find us.

Eric: Yeah. When we need more weed we’ll just...bring another helicopter.

Masha: Do you guys have, like, a phone number maybe?

Lily: Send someone else that’s not us.

Eric: Yeah. Yeah.

Masha: D’you have a cell phone that we can maybe get you at?

Marty: I’ve got a pager.

Mary: [laughs] Yeah!

Masha: Okay.

Eric: Perfect.

Lily: And you’re not a drug dealer?

[Beat.]

Marty: [sober] What d’you mean by that?

Mary: [sober] What are you saying?

Marty: What’re you tryin’a say?

Lily: Uh, you know, I—

Marty: What’re you tryin’a say about— Doctors have pagers.

Dan: Alright, let’s—

Lily: Okay, okay. Sorry.

Eric: Let’s- let’s—

Marty: Didn’t I tell you before—

[Paper snaps as Marty shows his license.]

—I am a doctor.

Eric: [quiet] Ah shit, guys, I think he’s serious this time.

[Beat.]

Marty: [laughs languidly] Cannabis credentials!

[Mary laughs. Masha chuckles.]

Eric: God dammit.

Mary: It’s a crayon. [chuckles]

Lily: Can I please leave?

Dan: Let’s go.

[Helicopter door squeaks open and clunks shut.]

[Episode End music.]

Credits

[Episode End music throughout]

Mayanna Berrin: 20 Sided Stories is produced by Sage G.C., Jessica Dahlgren, and Travis Reaves

Masha Mirova was played by Jessica Dahlgren

Eric Stanton was played by Travis Reaves

Lily Kline was played by Emily Ervolina

Weed-Powered Supers, Mary Jane and Marty Jane, were played by special guests Kristin Sanchez and Sean Cowhig.

Guest Spotlight

Sage: Hooray, we did it!

[Everyone cheers.]

Travis: That was a cartoon. I loved it.

[Everyone laughs.]

Sean: So much fun.

Sage: Sean, Kristin, thank you so much for being here. We super appreciate it! That was so much fun.

Sean: Thanks for havin’ us, yeah!

Kristin: Of course!

Sage: Where can the people find you?

Sean: Yeah, hit us up on Instagram @wayhighway to find our radio show. I’m @seancowhig. That’s S-E-A-N-C-O-W-H-I-G.

Kristin: And I’m @siren16x

Sean: Boom.

Kristin: It’s Kristin Sanchez @siren16x

Sage: Sounds like a different superhero.

Travis: Yeah, I was gonna say.

Sage: You’ll have to play next time!

Kristin: [chuckles] Yeah!

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sage: Awesome, I’ll put links in the description. Thank you guys so much once again.

Sean: Radical!

Kristin: Thanks for having us.

Sean: Thank you.

Jessica: Yay!

Sean: [quiet] Whoo hoo!

After-Credits Scene

[Television clicks off. Muffled rain falls outside the window.]

Dan: Ah, Russell Crowe. Never forget.

Eric: Yeah.

[Beat.]

Dan: ’Member the, uh… Remember the first couple o’ weeks of this whole thing? Sometimes I forget.

Eric: Like, what d’you mean?

Dan: Well, I don’t know. The first couple o’ weeks.

Eric: Oh. [stifles laughter]

Dan: When all this happened so suddenly. It was like…you know.

Eric: It was wild.

Dan: It felt like we were gonna live in that forever. But…

Eric: You mean absolute fucking pandemonium?

Dan: Yeah.

Eric: Yeah, people lost their fucking minds. You couldn’t go- couldn’t go to the store. Couldn’t fuckin’ go outside for a while.

Dan: But you flash forward three years and, I mean… Somehow, someway we’re still here watching Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.

[Dan and Eric chuckle quietly.]

So I don’t know. I guess I wish I could’ve told myself that at the time. ’Cause at the time I was freaking out a lot. That’s all.

[Beat. Gentle music.]

You, uh… You doin’ okay?

Eric: N-nah, sorry. I’m just…I’m just in a thing. Look, I know you got a lot on your plate, like...

Dan: We’re workin’ on it. We’ll be fine.

Eric: Uh, yeah, I— Don’t worry about me. I’m good. Uh, just…

Dan: Okay.

Eric: Focus on what you got goin’ on. It seems like a lot.

Dan: Yeah. But…to be honest it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Eric: What d’you mean?

Dan: I just feel like I need to be doing more.

[Beat.]

Eric: I admire that. As someone who is…pretty fine doing whatever it is that gets me through to the next day, I’ve always admired that about you. That…[sighs] you actually want to help people, you know?

[Beat.]

It’s cool. I guess. I don’t know. I-I’m not- I’m not your dad. And I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying.

[Dan chuckles.]

Dan: Yeah, get off my back. Dad, get outta my room! [chuckles] I’m watching a movie, Dad.

Eric: Shut up! [chuckles] Shut the fuck up.

Dan: Is dinner ready? Hey, Dad!

Eric: Look, I ch- I be vulnerable for one fucking second—

[Dan chuckles.]

—and this is what happens? That’s fine. I’m clamming up. Never saying it again. If I made fun of anyone in this fucking group half as much as they made fun o’ me…

Dan: [chuckles] Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I gotta dart, I gotta dart. It’s gettin’ late.

[Clothes rustle as Dan stands up.]

Eric: Oh, yeah. Get- get home. Go…

Dan: What’re we watchin’ next? [chuckles] Say it on three.

Eric: Say it on— Alright, fine. One

Eric, Dan: [together] Two, three. Drive Angry (Samurai Jack).

Credits

[Episode End music throughout.]

Mayanna Berrin: Additional Voices by David Michmerhuizen, Chad Ellis, Kaitlyn Cornell, and M. Colton Brodeur.

Music, Editing and Sound Design by Sage G.C.

Character Artwork by Rhea Lonsdale

Episode Artwork by Josh Wolf

Special thanks to Greg Reasoner, Matt Johnston and all our Patreon Supporters

Podcast Directed by Sage G.C.

You can get the soundtrack to this series for free at

sagegc.com/music

Follow 20 Sided Stories on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook @20SidedStories

Or visit our website at 20sidedstories.com

[Episode End music crescendos and fades out.]

Extras

[Faint music plays in the background.]

Dan: You know there’s a band playing downstairs? Really good band.

Lily: Yeah, I can hear ’em. They’re shit.

Dan: Wha…okay, clearly we have different music tastes, and that’s okay.

Lily: We’ll get past it, baby.

Dan: Whoa!

Masha: Whoa.

Dan: Let’s not use the B word! Okay, lets—

Masha: Lily, Lily, Lily.

Lily: Man?

[Dan lets out a groaning sigh.]

Masha: [whispers] Lily.